Broken Open

Today, after 32+ years of dealing with my (probably) bipolar mother, I told her she needs to leave my house. By next Friday.

With everything else that's going on in my life, I just can't deal with her undiagnosed, untreated illness anymore. And I simply cannot bring a child into that kind of environment. She has been rapid-cycling this year, which "conveniently" coincides with my pregnancy. But I'll tell you, it's been anything but convenient. In fact, it's been a living hell.

I always thought that my first pregnancy would be a super-happy time, filled with well-wishing loved ones and, especially, family members. And especially my mom. But the fact is that the stress has done nothing but exacerbate her illness, and she's been downright awful throughout the last 7 and a half months. I know that her hurtful words and actions are most likely caused by her bipolar disorder, but that still doesn't change the fact that they fucking hurt.

So I'm experiencing a big loss here, right before a huge life change. My daily BeliefNet email, as so often happens lately, couldn't have come at a better time.

It's like someone (or something) just knows, man. You know?